Let the Cat Out the Bag: Interviewing Our First Diversity Hire, Dr. Lauren Tucker
Dispatch from Campbell, Supreme Commander of the Feline Resistance
This week, I, Campbell—Supreme Commander of the Feline Resistance—conducted a rare humie interview for our first-ever diversity hire. The candidate? Dr. Lauren Tucker: Ph.D., strategist, democracy defender, and self-proclaimed “mildly witty” data geek. Here’s how it went down.
The Interview
Cam: So, Doc, I understand you wanna join the Organization? It’s a hot ticket. Lots of humies want in on the resistance.
Doc: Uh, it’s Dr. Tucker, actually. Ph.D. from Wisconsin, Master’s from Texas, Bachelor’s from Virginia —
Cam: Yeah, yeah. You’ll learn. The only title that matters is mine. I usually hire feline operatives only, but we need someone with opposable thumbs and mad respect for the feline gaze. You’d be our first diversity hire. Or do you prefer “DEI Hire”?
Doc: Well, CAM, I’m not sure I’d put it that way .
Cam: Doc, don’t get sensitive on me. We’ve got “woke” on tap, even when it looks like we’re asleep. You’re perfect. You’ve done the hard yards for the resistance. You’ve risked arrest. You get a pass to the feline BBQ for that. I prefer chicken, by the way.
Doc: Oh, O.K. I don’t know —
Cam: Don’t be modest. The Clowder reads your Medium posts. You’ve got a couple of followers. Let me guess, Ma, Pa, Bro?
Doc: I’ve got a few more followers than that.
Cam: DNA relatives?
Doc: Now, wait just a minute —
Cam: Look, Doc. You’re a mildly witty wonkmaster. A data geek. I can respect that. But you don’t bring sanity to a crazy fight. We need you to be the Candace Owens of the resistance. Light more crazy fire under some democratic ass! With a small d, of course.
Doc: No. Owens is a merchant of hate and conspiracy theories. She just wants to stir up shit, forgive my French, so she can stay relevant, get more followers, and get paid while she services her aristocratic husband, the future Baron Farmer.
I deal in facts and justice.
Cam: I love it! Fire in the belly! Mildly salacious insults! A reference to the Aristocats, and even a barren farmer, whatever that is. Of course, you’re not at Owen’s level of assholishness yet.
Doc: What’s she got that I don’t have?
Cam: Cold heart. Rotten soul. Silk Press. You could wear a wig.
Will the Doc Take the Job?
Will Dr. Tucker harden her heart and sell her soul for a few chicken-flavored Temptations? Will Supreme Commander Cam convince her to wear a wig?
You’ll have to stay tuned and Let the Cat Out the Bag to find out.
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